I am feeling the heavy, dead, numb feeling for the first time in a while.
All I wanted was a dog. Something loyal and fuzzy and cute to love. And like with everything I do, I tried so hard to get all my ducks in a row. I called vet clinics. I applied at pet adoption agencies. I got advice from friends.
And I found an ad for a little furball. It was the right age, a breed both the hubby and I like, friendly with kids, and within our budget. Without meaning to, I got attached.
And of course, it all fell through. The staff at my apartment complex handed me a list (a loooong list) of all the breeds/mixes they did not accept on the property. They couldn’t even give me a reason for some of them.
I just wanted to love something.
Nothing ever works out for me.
Why I chose a lotus flower for my tattoo.
It grows from muddy swamp waters and is still beautiful.The lotus’ leaf holds the flower above the water and the flower grows above that. I grew up being abused and talked down on shit, but I’m still holding my head up. I’m not to the beautiful point yet in my life, but I know it’s getting there.
I’m getting my lotus tattoo done on Thursday and I can’t wait! My tattoos are so healing for me.
i made this because it means a lot to me, it’s why i have a lotus tattoo.i haven’t seen something like this on tumblr before…so yeah, i thought i would share it.
Friends who trivialize your mental illness are not friends
Friends who don’t attempt to understand your mental illness are not friends
Friends who shame you for your mental illness are not friends
if I offered you $20, would you take it?
How about if I crumpled it up?
Stepped on it?
you would probably take it even though it was crumpled and stepped on it. Do you know why?
Because it is still $20, and its worth has not changed.
The same goes for you; if you have a bad day, or if something bad happens to you, you are not worthless.
if someone crumples you up or steps on you, your worth does not change. You are still just as valuable as you were before.
I found out today that thanks to the group I was a part of, the leader of the cult I grew up in has resigned. It’s a small victory, but still a victory.
I think the biggest victory is that so many of us have gone on to fight for our own happiness.
(Source: whitepaperquotes, via hippieseurope)
"Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule."
Henri J. M. Nouwen
Not sure how I feel about this.
On the one hand, I feel like it’s been so empowering to be able to say YES. YES I WAS FUCKING ABUSED AND FORCED TO GROW UP IN A GODDAMN CULT. But on the other hand, I’ve lost friends and family, which is traumatic in itself.
Then I remind myself that if telling the truth was a deal breaker in that relationship, they fucking didn’t deserve to have me in the first place.